


Love and Be Loved In Return

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Malec One Shots [24]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Drowning, discussion of attempted murder of a child, discussion of child abuse, discussion of suicide, just canon typical shiz really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 00:07:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18789040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: In which, the anniversary of a horrible event arrives, and Alec and Magnus figure out how to face it together, as they agree to face all things





	Love and Be Loved In Return

**Author's Note:**

> K, so I really wasn't sure where this one was going to go when I started writing it, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. :) 
> 
> Title taken from the quote 'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return' by eden ahbez. 
> 
> Oh, the angels left Clary well alone in this one!

It’s been a few months since the wedding, winter has come to New York and shrouded the city in a blanket of white. The world around them grows festive, while Magnus grows pensive and withdrawn. It takes Alec longer than he’d like to admit to notice, but he’s been caught up in Jace and Clary’s wedding plans and being Underhill’s go to relationship guru, on top of running an entire Institute, so normally when he’s come home after a long day, it’s to kiss his husband and fall into bed.

It’s Cat and Madzie’s increased presence around the loft that finally has him questioning. Especially when Cat’s always busy at the hospital around public holidays, and groans that Christmas is always a big one. So, when she and Madzie take to spending almost every spare moment at the loft, that’s something obvious enough that Alec notices, but it is too little too late.

* * *

 

He steps out of one of Clary’s portals into the darkened living room, lit up only by a handful of candles, and immediately he feels like he’s been doused with ice water as he feels the tension in the loft and is met with a sight he never wishes to see _ever_ again.

“Magnus?” he questions, his legs refusing to move, his heart suddenly beating so loudly in his ears, his chest is tight, his lungs aching like someone or something is squeezing him too tightly. Magnus doesn’t hear him, sitting on the couch, idly turning his mother’s keris in his hands, golden eyes staring into the light of the flickering candle sat on the coffee table in front of him. “Magnus?” Alec calls again, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other until he can sink gently down onto the couch beside his husband, who still doesn’t recognize his presence. “Hey, love, you’ve gone really, really far away, but I need you to come back to me.” Alec says, softly, making no move to touch Magnus or the keris in his hands.

It takes many, many tries before Magnus finally seems to realize he is no longer alone, his body jerking as he suddenly becomes aware of his surroundings once more. Frowning unhappily at the keris in his hands, his breathing laboured.

“Magnus? Are you with me, love?” Alec asks, his voice hoarse from overuse.

“Alexander?” Magnus mumbles, gently reaching forward to place the keris down on the coffee table and turning to frown at Alec. “I thought you were staying late tonight?”

“Darling, it’s nearly midnight.” Alec answers, tries desperately not to let the worry he feels overwhelm him. “Magnus, what’s happening? What’s going on in that big head of yours?”

“Midnight? You’re sure?” Magnus whispers, his eyes wide in surprise and confusion. “I don’t…” he sighs, his lips pulling into an unhappy grimace even as Alec finally reaches out to take his hands into his own and squeeze them tightly. “I told you about my mother, right?” the warlock questions, looking up to meet Alec’s eyes and receiving a jerky nod in response from the Shadowhunter, who already doesn’t like where this conversation is going. “She died today.” Magnus admits, looking away, towards the coffee table, towards the keris. The keris that Magnus has held onto throughout all these years, even when he was on the streets and had nothing else. The keris he’s taken with him everywhere, until Camille stole it from him. The keris that took his mother from him and destroyed his life.

“Oh.” Alec murmurs, an unexplainable feeling rushing through him, the hair on his body standing on end, and he can’t explain why. “Magnus, I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Alexander. My mother made her own choices.” Magnus answers, waving his hand and the keris disappears in a shower of blue flame. The warlock closes his eyes, breathes in deeply, and when he turns to look at Alec again, his eyes are once more glamoured and there is a stubborn set to the smile on his face. “How was your day?” he asks, clearly refusing to discuss his mother further. Alec considers pushing for just a moment, before he thinks better of it and begins to tell his love all about his day of demon hunting… and paperwork.

Of course, just because they don’t talk about it, doesn’t mean Magnus is okay.

* * *

 

Alec wakes suddenly, the room around him is dark and silent and he doesn’t know what woke him until there is a flickering of red out of the corner of his eyes, and he turns towards it, finds Magnus’ magic flickering angrily at the tips of the warlock’s fingers, then dissipating, before bursting into flame once again. Alec frowns as the magic forms again, and he looks at Magnus’ face, heartbroken to find his lover screaming silently behind what Alec recognizes is a ward of silence.

Alec watches the magic on Magnus’ hands and knows that his husband isn’t in control of it, knows because of the lessons he’s had with Lorenzo and with Magnus since Clary first showed them the Alliance rune. Alec watches and knows that the longer he lets this go on, the more risk there is of the magic spiralling so far out of control even Magnus would struggle to contain the fall out. So, Alec sighs and starts to draw the alliance rune on his wrist, before gently reaching out to draw the rune on the exposed skin of Magnus’ upper arm, holding Magnus still when his love tries to pull away.

When the rune is drawn, Alec feels the heady thrum of magic rushing through him and closes his eyes, breathing the power in deeply. He understands why Magnus had felt so empty and bereft when he’d lost his magic, understands because when the alliance rune wears off and he loses the magic, he feels it. That aching emptiness clouds his thoughts for at least a day or two after every instance of the alliance rune, until suddenly he’s able to breathe again without feeling like a piece of him is missing. He regrets the hurt he did to Magnus when he broke up with him, but knowing how Magnus had been feeling, knowing that Magnus was looking forward to a lifetime of that, he doesn’t regret the decision and knows he would make it again in a heartbeat.

Alec opens his eyes as the magic settles and he calls it up, beginning to unravel the ward of silence around Magnus, but not eradicate it, instead, once the magic recognizes him, he expands the ward to encase the entire room. He almost lets go of the magic before he’s finished when he suddenly hears Magnus screaming, crying out in what Alec recognizes as Indonesian but he doesn’t recognize any of the words.

When Alec beds the ward around the perimeter of the room, he lets the magic go, knowing the ward will hold. Then he takes up his stele again and gently draws one of the various runes of gentle awakening on Magnus’ neck. Choosing the rune specifically designed to allow one to wake up from a nightmare without feeling the lingering terror. Once he’s done, he lets the stele drop onto the mattress, and takes Magnus’ hands into his own, gently coaxing the magic to return to Magnus’ core. Convincing the magic that it’s not needed, that there is no danger, that Magnus is safe. He doesn’t fully succeed, the magic retreats until it’s a very faint glow around Magnus’ fingers, but it doesn’t completely disappear. Not until Magnus wakes with a confused little whimper.

“Magnus, love, are you with me?” Alec whispers, keeping hold of Magnus’ hands as his warlock slowly wakes, becoming aware of his surroundings.

“Alexander?” Magnus mumbles, opening his eyes and frowning at their joined hands, he makes a face and the magic finally disappears back beneath Magnus’ skin, allowing Alec to let go. “What happened?”

“You were having a nightmare.” Alec answers, moving the stele to the bedside table, before cuddling back into Magnus’ side, holding him close. “Your magic was flaring up.”

“I see.” Magnus mutters, turning in Alec’s arms until he can stare into Alec’s eyes, reaching out to caress Alec’s face. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alec asks, knowing that trying to get information out of Magnus that he doesn’t want to share is about as efficient as slamming your head against a brick wall. Magnus makes a face, but Alec sees something in his eyes that makes him hold his breath.

“I told you about my mother.” Magnus says, his voice shaking as he speaks. Alec nods and isn’t sure if he has the voice to speak, or if speaking would spook Magnus into staying quiet. “I didn’t tell you about…” the warlock pauses, sucks in a trembling breath and lets it out slowly, closing his eyes. “I told you about my step father, what he said, what I did. But I didn’t tell you what _he_ did.” Magnus murmurs, his breath stuttering as Alec feels his heart plummet.

“What did he do to you?” Alec questions, finding his voice when Magnus falls silent and Alec figures he won’t speak again unless prompted.

“He took me out the back of our house and tried to drown me in the lake.” Magnus whispers, trembling in Alec’s arms, remembers the feel of his step father’s hands in his hair, on his shoulders, shoving, pushing, holding him down, as he scratched and clawed at him and couldn’t get free. “My magic responded to my panic and blasted him away. I crawled out of the water and I… threw everything I had at him. He never stood a chance.”

“Good.” Alec rumbles, pulling Magnus as close to him as he can and burying his face in Magnus’ neck. “Fucker deserved it.” Alec assures him, his voice breaking as his heart constricts in his chest. Magnus has never had a good father. His step father tried to murder him and his birth father uses him as a chess piece in his climb for power. Alec’s own father has his asshole moments, but Alec knows his father would die for him, for any of them, and can’t really fathom having a father who wouldn’t.

“You don’t normally swear, darling.” Magnus whispers, his voice just a little too choked, Alec holds him tighter, tries to convince himself to answer and not break down into helpless sobs, instead. Magnus’ mother killed herself, blamed him for it, his step father blamed him, too, and tried to murder him. When he was a _child._

If Alec thinks about it too long, his heart _hurts._ It would have been easy for Asmodeus to slip in, promise Magnus the type of safety, power, and stability that he didn’t have, especially after being out on the streets for, by Raziel, Alec hopes only for a few weeks, but he doesn’t have that much faith. A terrified, orphaned child lost out in the world, no one to love him, no one to miss him, no one to care for him… yeah it would have been easy for anything to happen to him, anything at all. It’s a miracle Magnus survived into adulthood.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry, darling.” Magnus soothes, and it takes Alec a moment to realize that he’s crying, heart wrenching sobs that are making the both of them shake. It makes him angry; Magnus is the one who should be crying, Magnus is the one who had the shittiest start to life Alec can imagine, Magnus is the one who shouldn’t still be alive, but miraculously, amazingly, wonderfully _is._ Magnus is the one who should be screaming at the world and all it’s unfairness. Alec should be the one comforting _him,_ not the other way around, but he. can’t. stop. crying.

* * *

 

Alec wakes to the sun poking through the curtains and he groans, tries to hide his head under his pillow, doesn’t remember falling asleep, but wants sleep to take him back. It takes him all of five minutes to give up in despair, move his pillow back under his head and open his eyes to glare at the ceiling. Beside him, Magnus shifts, rolling away from him with a little grunted sigh, snuggling his face against his pillow and slumbering on. Alec watches him with an odd, suffocating mixture of serene calm intermingled with an intense, indescribable fear. He has to resist the urge to bundle Magnus up in his arms and never, e _ver_ let go.

Slowly he remembers what they’d been discussing before he must have fallen asleep, wonders if he cried himself to sleep, and was so exhausted he doesn’t remember. There are a thousand things he wants to say to Magnus that he should, a thousand, five hundred things he wants to say to Magnus that he shouldn’t, and of the things he wants to stay to Magnus but knows he will never physically be able to? Well, that count is endless. So, instead, he watches his husband sleep and vows that Magnus will never be alone again, never be left vulnerable, never be left to suffer on his own. He vows that no matter what, he will be with Magnus always, if he has to make a deal with Lucifer himself, Alec swears that he will do it.

“It’s too early for thinking.” Magnus mumbles, reaching up to blindly pat at Alec’s face. “Go back to sleep or stop thinking so loudly.” His husband grumbles, keeping his eyes tightly closed, Alec lets the smile pull at his lips, smiling around Magnus is as easy as breathing.

“The sun has come up.” Alec points out, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to Magnus’ lips. “I’d love to go back to sleep, but the solar body we orbit has other designs.”

“Edom didn’t have that problem.” Magnus mutters, still stubbornly refusing to open his eyes, even as Alec snorts.

“Edom didn’t have a sun, also Edom no longer has any problems.” He reasonably points out, the warlock groaning in response and resting his arm over his forehead and breathing in deeply, letting it out on a heavy sigh.

“Fine. I’m awake. What has you thinking so loudly?” Magnus asks, moving so he can snuggle into Alec’s side and rest his head against Alec’s chest.

“This and that.” Alec answers, knowing Magnus will recoil in horror if he tells him his true thoughts, knows Magnus will fight him every step of the way if Alec tells him that he is looking for a way to become immortal. They’ve already fought over Alec’s desperate declaration that he needed to become a vampire in order to go and save Magnus from Lilith. Alec determines that he will tell Magnus, but not until it is done and there is no going back.

“Alright, keep your secrets.” Magnus says with a little pout, that just makes Alec laugh, and the pout deepens.

“I will, thank you.” Alec assures him, giggling when Magnus’ pout turns into a glare. “You’re the one who said it.” He exclaims, bringing his hands up to protect his face when Magnus is suddenly hitting him with his pillow. He starts laughing and waits just long enough for Magnus to tire before he retaliates, thus beginning the Bed War.

* * *

 

Alec watches his husband over the next few days, slowly Magnus becomes less withdrawn and more open to the festive spirit everyone else seems to have overdosed on, particularly Clary, who announces it is actually against the law for them to not have a Christmas Tree up in the loft. Luke has assured them he doesn’t know of any such law, but that Clary is, and always would be, a law unto herself, so they should give in with good grace. Which is how they find themselves with a ridiculous, too big Christmas Tree taking up space in their living room and giving Magnus endless headaches with the flashing lights that Madzie _insists_ in putting on whenever she and Cat visit.

Clary tells them all about a cat she owned as a kid, who used to climb up the Christmas Tree to tear all the decorations off, especially the lights. She questions if Magnus has any more cat traits than just his eyes, which shouldn’t have been a problem if it wasn’t over dinner, which unintentionally sparks a massive food fight that Alec ends up coming home -late- in the middle of. He is getting ready to _scream_ when he hears Magnus honest-to-goodness _giggling_ as he lobs a gob of what Alec thinks might be cake at the back of Jace’s head before diving behind the couch again, and Alec’s heart stutters in his chest.

Magnus has become less withdrawn over the days, but it’s been a little while since Alec’s heard him genuinely laughing, heard him so truly overcome with joy that he cannot contain it. It takes him a few moments to pull himself together, during which time, Jace thinks it is the height of hilarity to throw cake at him. Alec takes a deep breath in, glares at his parabatai and dives behind the couch with his husband, laughing at the betrayed sound he hears from Jace.

“So, you can fix our home, right?” Alec questions, after stealing a far too orange flavoured kiss.

“In a heartbeat.” Magnus promises, popping up to chuck an entire, conjured roll of bread across the room.

“I think that might be cheating.” Alec points out, as Magnus ducks back down beside him.

“We truced for a few minutes to draw the alliance rune on me and Clary.” Magnus answers, peering over the top of the couch, before ducking back down, dodging an actual chocolate log, to bury his face in Alec’s shoulder, giggling. Alec can’t help the fluttering in his chest at the sound.

“I’m sorry, who is the centuries old warlock?” he teases, looking at the destruction around them.

“Oh, shut up and throw something.” Magnus tells him, shoving an entire cake into his hands, before going to throw cupcakes across the room, one by one. Alec laughs, but decides he really does have to get payback for the cake; he _likes_ this shirt, and it has _nothing_ to do with it being one of Magnus’ stolen ones that his lover has been searching for for weeks.

The food fight goes on long into the night, until Jace and Clary each receive fire messages from Izzy letting them know they’re being called in, which causes them both to grumble about Alec not being called in, before Magnus reminds them that Alec is the boss and only has to go in for emergencies. Which gets more grumbling as Clary magics herself and Jace clean, wishes them both a wonderful night, and portals herself and her beau away, leaving Magnus to clean up the mess to the loft.

“You know I’ve heard strawberries and cream is supposed to be-“ which is as far as Alec gets, before Magnus is ignoring the mess to the loft and portalling them to their bed, Alec laughing the whole time.

* * *

 

For all the excitement, the nightmares aren’t as willing to give up their hold, Alec wonders if it has to do with how recently Magnus’ mind has been tampered with. First with the agony rune, then by Iris Rouse, and then by Magnus himself, but Alec doesn’t say it. Instead, he spends the nights holding his husband close and promising over and over and over again that he will always be there.

Sometimes, he has to draw the alliance rune to access Magnus’ magic so he can ensure they still have a house, a city to wake up to in the morning.

Each night, Magnus tells him in stumbling words of the terrors that plague him and the multitude of ways that they do. Alec listens and when he can, he gives Magnus verbal comfort and when he can’t, he just clings, holding him close and hoping Magnus can feel his love when he has no words to speak.

* * *

 

Eventually, the nightmares pass, never quite going away entirely, but not plaguing Magnus every night, and sometimes they stumble over things that trigger moments of panic for Magnus, like the first time they go down to the private, warded portion of the beach that’s only for the Shadow World, and Magnus stands in the shallows and trembles like a leaf. They deal with these things as they happen, together, as they’ve vowed to do all things.

When, down the track, they adopt children who are still young enough to get excited for Christmas the entire month of December and starting probably around late October, early November, Magnus begins to associate that time of the year with happy things. The nightmares still cling to him on that day, and the days that fall on either side, but he doesn’t withdraw, doesn’t pull away.

And when Alec inevitably stumbles onto the traumas lurking in his past, or stumbles upon events that will become trauma, Magnus is there at his side. Coaxing him through, supporting him, loving him, and being his light in the darkness, as they promised each other they would be. This is what it means to love another more than life itself. This is what it means when your home is another person.


End file.
